好久了, 還是不見.

I still remember how SH said, that was the longest '知足' he ever heard... you know, it felt the same for me too. And as he sang '知足的快樂　叫我忍受心痛'.. I had a bad premonition, which came true eventually.

Our hearts sank but our hopes never died.

'那樣的回憶　那麼足夠'.

雖然沒看到你那天的眼神, 可是以前的回憶還是在我腦海中.
真的是好久...不見. 好久了, 還是不見.

期待下一次吧. 只要我們大家都是有夢想的人...

=================================

知足

怎麼去擁有　一道彩虹
怎麼去擁抱　一夏天的風
天上的星星　笑地上的人
總是不能懂　不能覺得足夠

如果我愛上　你的笑容　
要怎麼收藏　要怎麼擁
有如果你快樂　不是為我　
會不會放手　其實才是擁有

當一陣風吹來　風箏飛上天空　
為了你而祈禱　而祝福　而感動　
終於你身影　消失在人海盡頭　
才發現　笑著哭　最痛

那天你和我　那個山丘　
那樣的唱著　那一年的歌
那樣的回憶　那麼足夠　
足夠我天天　都品嚐著寂寞

知足的快樂　叫我忍受心痛
知足的快樂　叫我忍受心痛

my to-be purchase..

a macbook (if all things fall through).. coz sh managed to talk me out of getting a powerbook.

Good thing i've been doing so many extra 'jobs' this whole month to build up my mac-fund. In burn out mode.. but i'm sure it'll be worth it.

As they say, 萬事俱備 只缺東風... this was what I lacked all this while.

Just thought through all the money I spent throughout the years.. trying to build up my 'gear' at home. Can't be compared to lots of people.. but here goes:

semi-acoustic guitar	$400
cables and misc	$300
protools	$1,000
headphones	$220
fender electric	$800
guitar amp	$200
macbook	$1,400
Total	$4,320

This isn't inclusive of the almost $2k keyboard my parents kindly bought for me.. and my other sleeping in the closet classical guitar and violin.

Neither does it include whatever lessons I went to take (plus my very expensive dip), nor the money spent in jamming and gigs and what-nots....

At least I'm gonna be able to use a line 6 pod for free (thanks to my nice colleague js.. and the guitar efx from uncle Z.. altho the guitar he wanted to lend me cannot really make it, which made me end up buying my fender, but thank you to him too!)

Who said doing music is cheap...

Someday.. I'll get there...

been more involved in production work lately.. nice to see my own name appear in credits for purposes other than coordination.
if you'll see it, you'll see it =). if not, then till next time!

maybe its meant to be

don't know how to describe my feelings now... feels empty, feels heavy.. yet there is a sense of relief.

I never was a lucky person, never won anything in lucky draws.. and now in a situation that I strove so hard to be at, I never got the single opportunity that I wanted. How more unlucky can I be? It was being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Everything that I have, where I am, the things that I have... I worked hard for. If I was lucky, I would have been in this industry years ago.. and not climbing my way up at 26.

Probably this is how it should have been... (or am i just consolling myself). The words I had in mind would probably not have come out of my mouth, if there was a face to face encounter.

Probably I should be happy enough that the words I intended still got to him, even though not through my own mouth.

But thank you sh for feeling what I felt, and conveying these on my behalf. And I still can't believe you cried... but because of that. I know I must be the luckiest girl to have you.

I'm sure he will know what the card means.
And I continue to believe that one day... there will be other opportunities, probably another one along the way very soon =)... I hope. So long as I continue working hard where I am now.

Although hope brings disappointment when it doesn't materialise... its still much better to have hope. At least... life feels brighter this way.

It will take time to get over this episode, but I'm still glad you were there with me.

我還記得　我們的約定.....

rollercoaster ride

Yesterday, was a day full of ups and downs... a day of both tears and laughter

And it all happened at work, where I never stepped out from the office from 10am till 230am.
What a day...
What a day to remember...

It was the day where i shot back in a not so nice email, finally blarring out whatever I had inside me and then I cried in front of him. Not that I wanted to, but it just flowed out.

Maybe it helped, coz he was nice to me after that, reassuring me alot of things but of course maintaining his 'status' and image of 'wisdom'.

I didn't agree with everything of course, because if you keep comparing people between people, country between country, there will never be an end to it. But what matters to me, is personal growth and learning that counts.

I lots my appetite that day.. had a late lunch that my colleagues 'da bao' for me.

Then I didn't go for dinner either although I had a 'job' from 8pm to 12am.

Little did I know what this 'job' was about when I accepted it. And since everyone was busy with other projects, I had to take it on alone.

Whether it was a shock or a pleasant surprise, I don't know, but I felt paralyzed and scared to know who I was actually going to record. Didn't have a choice to chicken out or anything, so I just had to be brave.

Think I sounded stupid at times when he was talking to me. Damn.. me and my vocabulary of Chinese just aint enough sometimes. Could see the look of confusion of his face, and he must think i'm weird.

Not wanting my nerves to get to me, I carried on trying to appear professional since this was only my second 'job' on my own. These people must have gone through so many similar situations before, and I must probably be the first female they encountered... the lousiest one maybe =P. Absolutely no confidence of myself...

And all throughout, I was worried I'll spoil everything for him.
Nonetheless, we completed everything (not the best, I know) but, in the time that they wanted.
And I was still pretty satisfied with what turned out =). The final product.. will be the true testimony of everything.

Waking up today, it felt like a dream. I still can't believe what happened yesterday.
And still I felt like an idiot...

Oh yeah, yesterday was the day that marked the birth of a very special baby too ;)
Congrats to gy, congrats to md! See you guys this weekend... its been a long time....

dream dream dream

Everyone loves to dream.. but I think, I've just got too many dreams.

Some people will feel i've fulfilled mine.
Yes, there are certain parts of my life that I'm totally grateful for and I am living out dreams that I've harboured for a long period of my life.

But I'm really greedy I guess.

Being right here right now, I know that ultimately.. where I want to get to, is not within this little place. But to somewhere, where I belong. Something of my own, surrounded by people and happy faces, surrounded by music of all kinds and the joy of the freedom that comes with it.

I will never be able to withstand the loneliness of the job that those at the top levels of my department have to go through.
I fear loneliness.

My ultimate dream.. when I fulfill it, I'll let you guys know ;) but it wouldn't be this soon.

And in the midst of it, I've got so many other little dreams and fantasies I hope to see happen.
Don't we all hope?

If we do not reach for the skies, we'll never realise that we can actually attain it.
I will keep on believing. But in the meanwhile, I'm biting my lips and hanging on, to learn as much as I can, to build up the self confidence that I've always lacked.

My closest aim in the near future would be to turn my position from P.A to A.P
Not sure if I have that ability (there.. my lack of confidence again) but I will try... and I am trying. All I need to do is believe in myself.

Pardon me.. but at this moment, i'm feeling quite sentimental, so this is gonna feel like a award ceremony thank you speech, altho I have won nothing...

Thank you to my parents who have cried along with me, put in so much money into my beliefs and learnt to trust in my plans along the way.
To sh for always telling me to quit everything, because it makes me even more persistent in pushing on =P and for lending me a shoulder to cry on whenever I needed
To my theatre teacher for making me less of an introvert and seeing my own inner potential
To 'ah beng' for telling us to 'leave the classroom if we felt we could be doing better things out there'
To all those who have believed in me and given me the many opportunities along the way
To md for the inspiration they have given me to be where I am now

Suddenly, listening to md's gong lang feels so apt now.
Looking forward to seeing them again soon.. its been really long.
Maybe that'll inspire me further... for years to come.