What do you want in life?

Such a simple question, and so often asked.. but its something that not everyone can answer with conviction. Even myself...

We've so often heard of the word 'paper chase'.. whether its that acclaimed degree/diploma or money and wealth in general. Are you in a paper chase yourself?

So many people go through dreaded education just in search for that final cert.. not really caring about what they are learning or experiencing, but more about 'making it through' and 'so long as I don't fail, its ok'. Because at the end of the day, the one who just meets the minimum pass grade and the one who does terribly well all the way through, get the same piece of paper.

Then why bother to strive so hard, you must think..

It then boils down to what you really want in an education then. Do you just want a cert or is it the learning process that you treasure more?

I remember the day I received my degree and medal. I felt nothing.. in fact awkward, dressed in that very hot gown and hat that's too small for my big head. My parents were there, downstage feeling very happy for me. And they were eager to have lots of photos taken after the ceremony too. Me? I was just waiting to get out of that gown. At that moment, I just felt, my responsibility has been fulfilled, I have faithfully gone by the ways of what a good Singaporean student should follow.

Everyone has nice studio shots of themselves in their graduation gowns right? Nope, I don't.. I refused to, because I don't find anything glorious in that gown. Instead, I found more pride in what that education had brought me... in how it had opened my eyes and broadened my mind to how the world works. I felt more satisfaction when I completed a good essay which would express exactly my perspectives and arguements on certain social issues.

Why? because I like being critical and I love being different.

But, there is a price to being different.

Sometimes, I do wonder if just getting a 'stable job' after graduation would make my parents happier with me than they are now. But, it would be me who would be dissatisfied with my own life and wondering what a life truly surrounded by music would be like.

This was what I thought.. I didn't want to regret not having tried, and so I found myself here, right now, doing what I am doing.

But it is simply not a bed of roses.

Suddenly it felt as though things were all coming together. I finally formed my long anticipated band, I finally have my first song, I finally get a chance to mingle with the 'music pple' and I finally might get a chance to work in a company that may let me build a greater network with the industry. I felt hopeful but yet, how much is hope worth?

This society is just not tolerant or rather.. not accepting enough of such 'deviant' behaviou such as mine. To my father, I'm a wasteral (in money and in time) and possibly unfilial for not being able to help provide for the family. To my relatives, I'm probably a lazy person who does not want to find a proper job to allow my parents to finally retire and rest.

Truly, I hate social expectations. As much as we need social norms in order for a more organised society.. I sometimes do wish our society is more chaotic, because there can also be beauty in chaos.

Who says you need to face the lift door when you enter the lift? Why not turn to face the crowd instead?

Who says you gotta follow the regular 'lifecycle' of a 'normal' Singaporean,
> to go through primary school
> secondary school
> JC or Poly
> University
> Stable Job with lots of leave and benefits
> Engagement to apply for HDB flat
> get married
> hold a wedding banquet to invite lots of people you don't know and who don't know you (and always start with pple coming out in semi darkness holding cold dishes)
> have 2 kids (a boy and a girl)
> get them to go through the same life cycle as you do, with lots of tuition and enrichment classes

Its simply all too organised for my comfort. Getting out of this place would be too easily a solution. Breaking out of this system would be a greater challenge. Changing it would be an adventure and a quest.

I don't know if I can do it, but I'm trying and I'm hoping with all my might.

I just have to say that its truly not easy because the support you get, is simply not overwhelming nor enthusiastic.

All I know is that, I got to keep my faith and my beliefs strong and keep going forward (in my mind now, is just the Jue Jiang MV playing.. and I'm sure most of you reading will know which part I mean ;)).

The last thing I should ever do, is give up on myself.