Unconscious Consciousness

This long month of emotional twists and turns has got me more resolved in my goals.

I know even more for sure that I wouldn't be in this job forever.
I would never be satisfied being a worker.

I want to exercise my own beliefs.
I want to create something truly of my own.
And through it all, I want him to be with me.
This will be our future.

I don't strive to be at the top of this ladder.
Simply because I don't like the life of working hours on end alone.

Yes, I still love the vitality and challenges that events bring to me.
I love the feeling of things being within my grasp and the ability for me to make decisions that work without being prematurely curtailed.

Yet, I know I will never be able to let go of music in my life.

For me, my goal is clear.
Now, its just a matter of when.

But in the meanwhile, we have so many issues in life to settle before we can move onto this stage - financial, family, relevant experience.

Everyone wants a job doing design, music, arts, entertainment.
I used to be the same.

People would ask me what I wanted to do when I decided to leave my honors course.
And my answer would be, I don't know but its gotta be related to music.
It sounded stupid to many.
Just as how so many people who give me this same answer now, would sound foolish to me.

Its a complicated industry. Especially in a field dominated by men...
There definitely is the conventional bias.
There are alot of things to put up with, a lot of expectations to meet, alot of shoes to fill and even more things to learn everyday....
when you are at the bottom.

Don't get me wrong. I love the place I'm in.
I enjoy the experience I'm getting.
I love being surrounded by music and the dynamism of it all.
But somehow, there is something else that's beckoning me.

Humans are just so greedy creatures, aren't we?

Its no harm to dream, but its got to be a practical dream.
In this dream, you'll have to accept that passion will feed you more than money will.
You'll find that men are favoured more while girls are expected to not just know what the men know, but also meant to handle all other mundane tasks.
In this dream, you still have to know where you are headed and plan each day otherwise you get phased out by the queue of people trying to find their way in.

So... when will the day come for me to move on?